Tinkerer Toys

An ogre I created with a Blender tutorial.

My name is Ben - and I'm a tinkerer.

I came to this realization a few days ago after I bought a couple of computer books. It seems that the reason I have such a hard time getting anything done is because I'm always... well, tinkering with something! Whether it's attempting to create my own home server or putting together a model plane, I'm always distracted by something. And then I go out and buy another book so I can have a distraction from the distraction. It never ends!

It's not like I have very expensive hobbies. But they can add up fast. I tell you what I'm an absolute sucker for... kits. There's just something about a kit that makes my inner child do jumping jacks. I especially love art kits. It doesn't matter whether I have the best brushes and most expensive paints at my disposal, if I see a cool painting set at Half Price Books (a dangerous place indeed) I will lust after it to no end. There's just something about a little kit with an instruction book and some cheap paints and brushes that just reduces me to putty. Or paint by numbers, I'm a sucker for those too.

I'm addicted to computer books as well. I never finish half of them, but I can't stop buying them. The little ogre guy in the above image was done in an evening with the help of a tutorial in a book about Blender, the free and open source 3D graphics program. And don't get me wrong, I think it's good that I'm constantly learning stuff - my problem is that, due to my short attention span, I don't use half of what I learn. I'll do a few tutorials in one book, lose interest, neglect putting my new knowledge/skills to use and then I forget what I learned and move on to another book. Of course, a lot of the time, a book will turn out to be a disappointment - I was about a third of the way through a book on Unity when I realized it didn't cover gamepads or joystick input - how lame can you get?

Even as I write this, I have 2 different books vying for my attention. One is the aforementioned Blender book, the other is a book on C++ programming. I am proud of myself for sticking with the Blender book long enough to make a halfway decent model, but I know I'll have my fill soon enough and move on to the other book. And then there's that butterfly painting I need to finish. I didn't get to it today.

Eh, maybe tomorrow.

Update: I finished it!

Six Months Sober

Hello friends!

As of today, June 25th, I have been sober for six months. That's right, half a year. The last time I had a drink was Christmas Eve of last year.

I am so proud of myself!

I've had a couple of abortive attempts at sobriety that lasted a month or two at best, but this time I managed to make it stick. I suppose the motivation finally kicked in - I guess I realized fully how serious my drinking had gotten and that it, indeed, could end up costing me my kids - if not my own life.

But let's not dwell on the negatives. This is a time to celebrate! I decided to paint a butterfly, nature's symbol of metamorphosis and progress:

It's not finished yet but you get the idea. I'll post the final painting when it's done (probably sometime this weekend).

How about you? What milestones are you celebrating in your life?

Please share!

:-)

Just Plain Chicken

Yesterday morning I got up at about 8am (yarg) to get ready for my 9:00 doctor's appointment. The appointment went well, though my doctor said my labs indicated I had an underactive thyroid. I'm not sure what the ramifications are for something like that, but he said to talk to my family doctor (this was my psych doctor). I guess we'll find out sooner or later. Afterwards I headed over to Half Price Books again with a couple of books to sell. I got eight bucks for 'em (hey, not bad). Then I went back home, did a load of laundry, and napped.

I was putting my clothes away when it hit me...

The craving...

You see, I've recently become addicted to Hardee's Bacon & Swiss Big Chicken Fillet. This is, hands down, the best chicken sandwich I've ever had. It totally blows Chick-Fil-A out of the water. Lightly breaded, it's super tender and is dressed with mayo, tomato, swiss cheese and bacon. The thing is incredible.

And I knew I had to have one.

I headed over to Hobby Lobby first to quickly grab a couple of canvases (canvii?), then I drove to Hardee's. I ordered the sandwich in a combo with some curly fries and jetted back home. I set up my lunch at the computer desk and let the chickeny amazingness consume my senses while I googled some pictures of butterflies.

Satisfied, I printed out a couple of butterfly pics and scribbled an outline of a butterfly on one of my canvases. I didn't want to actually start painting since I'd have to go to work in an hour, so I headed back to Half Price Books. I bought a book on Blender for seven bucks (all the cash I had) and headed to work. Five somewhat productive hours later, I headed back home to catch Letterman and Craig Ferguson before I went to bed.

But the taste of that miraculous sandwich still lingers. And I now find myself totally broke.

Will I be able to hold out until payday? Or will the craving for chicken drive me mad?

Time will tell...

Butterflies and Karma

So I finished a book today.

Nothing momentous or life-changing, just a Star Wars novel, but I finished it - and for me, that's an accomplishment. I'm a terribly slow read, and it can take me up to a week to finish a book that's just a couple of hundred pages, whereas (I suspect) most folks can finish a book like that in a day or two.

But it was time to retire the book, so I headed to my book exchange of choice (really the only one in town), Half Price Books. I only got fifty cents for it, but the alternative was Goodwill, and I opted for the small financial reward rather than the little karmic one.

I then proceeded to King of Kings Church to "Celebrate Recovery", as the website put it - I'd been meaning to go to both church and an AA meeting today, it being Sunday, and I figured this would be a good way - spiritually - to kill two birds with one stone.

I saw only one or two cars in the parking lot. Had I made a mistake? I decided to peek inside and there were a couple of kids running around but that was it. I walked the length of the massive building and looked for someone outside on the opposite end. Finding nobody, I went back in and saw the kids again, this time with their parents. I asked the gentleman if he knew anything about the recovery group, and he seemed to think that the group met on Mondays rather than Sundays. Looking at a sign in the lobby which confirmed his opinion, we both conceded I'd arrived at the wrong time.

But had I?

Dejected, I was walking back to my car when I suddenly spied a pair of butterflies in the air. What were they doing way out here in the middle of nowhere? I smiled in spite of myself as I watched them playfully turn loops above my head. Faster and faster they went until I began to feel dizzy watching them. By the time they finally took off I was grinning like an idiot.

Had I just received some kind of a divine hug? Some reassurance that I was not alone and that my heart had been in the right place?

Maybe I was just being grandiose. I got in the car and headed home. Wondering if my spiritual obligations for the day had been filled, I decided to check the Internet for AA meetings, though it was getting late. I grabbed another one of my books, which I'd forgotten earlier, and decided to head to Half Price Books again. I figured if it was closed I'd go to an AA meeting instead.

Sure enough, the store was closed, and so I headed to Ralston for the nearest chapter. I was about 10 minutes late, but the chairperson was still doing the reading, so I sat down quietly. There were a couple of unsavory-looking individuals but I reminded myself not to judge. The collection basket was passed and I uncharacteristically put a five dollar bill in, figuring karma might reward me in the form of inspiration for a blog or a painting. When it was my turn to speak, I briefly related how I was coming up on an important milestone in sobriety and how much I missed my kids.

Pretty soon, it was time for the closing prayer.

And you know what?

For the first time since I've been to an AA meeting, I felt a genuine warmth and sincerity as I recited the Lord's Prayer, feelings that had been missing from the start but that were just now rising to the surface.

It was a genuinely moving experience.

Is AA finally starting to "kick in"?

One thing's for sure, I know I will sleep well tonight.

Perhaps I will dream of butterflies.

Stuff I Almost Didn't Do

It seems like I spend a lot of time nowadays doing things I almost don't do.

From painting a picture to cleaning the bathroom, I feel like I have to work myself up to get the gumption to do just about anything anymore.

And I hate that.

I almost didn't write this blog. But I'm glad I did, because it means I get to tell you about something I almost didn't do that turned out to be a pleasant surprise.

But first let's start with a couple of things I almost DID do: I almost went to "Junkstock" today. Apparently Junkstock is pretty much what you would expect it to be - scads of vendors selling, well, junk - although much of it is supposedly antique junk. I heard about it from my mom and I'm pretty sure I saw a commercial for it, and I was intrigued. I decided to go check it out, but as I approached my destination, I began to drive past blocks and blocks of cars parked on the road and began having second thoughts. Nevertheless, I pulled into a subdivision and started walking. It turned out to be a lot hotter than I anticipated, and much of the ground was a muddy mess. Part of me started to wish somebody would call me up and offer alternative plans, and sure enough, as I approached the entryway, I got a ring from my mom asking if I wanted to get together. My feet couldn't take me back to my car fast enough. On the walk back, I bought a much-needed cup of cold lemonade from a sweet little girl for fifty cents.

So I went to the mall and hung out with my mom for a bit. One double Whopper later, we found ourselves at a loss as to what to do next. She suggested a movie. I concurred, and so off we went to almost see a movie. We saw a couple of posters at the theater that intrigued us - namely, "Ida" and "Words and Pictures", so I went up to the box office to see about tickets. Turned out neither movie was actually playing there, so, after unsubtly suggesting to the girl at the window that it might be time to change the posters, we went to the dollar theater. Mom wasn't interested in anything playing there (though I would've been up for a third viewing of The Lego Movie). We decided to go to the drugstore and grab some candy and a newspaper to see what was playing at the Oak View 24, and, naturally, it was the only theater in town that wasn't listed. I think we were both thinking about wrapping things up at this point, but I suggested "Belle" which I was pretty sure was playing there. I had heard it was pretty good. Hoping I was correct about the 7:05 showtime, we headed over there, though I wasn't really expecting much after an afternoon of disappointments.

But what a lovely surprise the film turned out to be. This is not a movie review blog - I'll just offer a brief synopsis - but I can wholeheartedly recommend it to moviegoers of all ages (it's rated PG). The film centers on Dido, a young biracial lady in 18th-century England - when the slave trade was still legal there. Amidst stifling social and class conventions, Dido struggles to come to terms with herself, her suitors, and her Papa, who happens to be the most powerful judge in the land. The good judge is struggling with an insurance fraud case (the insured being live cargo, i.e. slaves, who had possibly been murdered) which may be a landmark case in the history of the abolition of slavery. The acting and costumes were lovely, and it was a highly enjoyable and thought-provoking film. It also doesn't hurt that the lead actress, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, isn't too hard on the eyes.

I almost didn't see this film. But I'm glad I did, because it means I got to tell you about it.

I guess it's better to almost not do things than not to do them at all.

It Starts...

Welcome friends!

This is the official unofficial ground-breaking ceremony for my new blog. I haven't much to say at the moment, but come back Wednesday for the Grand Opening/ribbon-cutting. I'm sure I'll have all kinds of tasty quips for you then. In the meantime, enjoy these pictures of my lovely daughters, who are the collective reason I walk and talk and think and eat and breathe.